The E True Hollywood Story...
It is 3:00 pm and for some religious sectors around the world, this means time to take a jaunt down to the confessional. So, here I go...You can come too, if you'd like. This is a letter of recognition, if you will, to whom it may concern- and trust me when I say, it concerns many.
I have never been one to hide the way I feel. I have never been able to pretend to be this when I am in fact...that. Maybe it is for this (no pun intended) reason that I find it extremely agitating to watch people fight bitterly to the point of death, only to open the front door two seconds later and greet their guest with overwhelming peace and concord while smiling innocently as if Cold War Take Two never happened. When I am sad, I cry. When I am angry, I scowl. When I'm harboring (Insert negative feelings here), I sit silently, unapproachable. When I am happy, I smile. When I am joyful, I laugh. When I am tired, I leave the party and go to sleep. You get the picture. What you see is what you get-for better or for worse.
For those of you who keep up with my life through this silly weblog, you know the majority of my thoughts, questions, and struggles. (Or maybe all of the chaff doesn't get written as I process through the keyboard, but you have a general idea).
For those of you who know me and see me everyday, you know that I have been silent for a long time. I think it is time for me to give you what is yours; I owe an explanation for my actions...Or lack thereof.
What an incredible journey it has been- 21 years of learning how to be a daughter, a friend, a follower, a leader. Out of those 21, the last one has been quite an introspective whirlwind. How many hours are in a month? I don't know, you do the math. Whatever that comes to, multiply it by 10 and that will give you the total amount of hours I have been reexamining life for what it's worth. (Not life as in life and death, but life as in the process of living a story) I have questioned myself more than I have ever done before. I have picked apart the layers of my past, present, and thoughts on the future. I have separated myself from everything familiar. I have isolated myself from things and people for a reason, but then allowed that isolation to solidify, before I realized. I can count, on my hand, the number of times I have woken up and gone to a church service in the past 10 months. And I have taken on an I don't care attitude against the world and all who dwell in it that do care.
You see, for so long I lived in the shadows of mainstream America while thinking I was vetoing it. I was obsessive with my faith, had perfected humble arrogance (chew on that!), was terrified of being associated with sin (the sinful kind of course), and turned my head to anyone who was lower than me on the righteous scale. In that time, I was oblivious to my mind set. In my eyes and in my heart, actually, I was doing all right. If my mind had been printed onto a vintage tee, it would have read, humble, content, whole, full, and happy. Then I left my box.
Europe is pretty well documented, but the bottom line was this: I was given a new vantage point while out of my norm. I began to see things differently, I learned to listen carefully, and focus my attention in a new way and appreciate people who were not just like me. To some folks, this might seem like my downfall; "Who are you and what did you do with the girl we once knew?" Others, and maybe only those who have experienced a change in scenery, understand that this was an awakening for me, a time to escape myself.
When I returned, I saw my all so comfortable world with a new viewpoint. For three months, I was an outsider and at my homecoming, an outsider making my way back in. All the sudden, I wasn't so comfortable. I was shocked to see, through others, the way I conducted my own life for the 20 years before my trip. It was painful to hear the way they spoke of each other and it made me angry to see the putrid arrogance that these, my equals, were guilty of and blind to. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made the decision to cut myself off from the source of my community. I was tired of watching groups stonewall each other and refused to be a part of selfish antics. So I sat in my solitude and wrote..and wrote...and wrote.
Once the dose of culture shock wore off, I was able to let people back into my life; but I chose not too.
The moto was simple, "I don't care." I decided to move on and keep living, knowing that people would think what they wanted. And people did think..There have been many discussions, looks of worry, "Are you OK's," and "How can I pray for you's." All the while, I would honestly say, I am fine. I really am. I am OK. Thank you for caring, though, I appreciate you.
My responses were and still are 100% from the heart and truthful. I was fine, OK, and happy, and I was thankful for the concern of others. I just needed space, time to think and face my past. (good thing there was no boy at this point, huh?! that could have been bad news for the poor-nonexistent-fella) I had to deal with myself, and it sounds harsh, but, without the assistance of any other person...Even if it meant locking myself in my room for ten months.
It didn't take long for me to forget that I was only on sabbatical for renewal. My "time to think" vacation grew comfortable and became a haven for my bitterness and frustrations to fester. Who Cares turned into Oh Yeah? Watch me! and I matter of factually welcomed the very pride and love of self, that I initially wanted to get away from, into my persona. I was tired of being responsible for everyone else's happiness (I bet you all didn't know that you depended on me to meet your every need, did you?) and was ready to kick it all to the curb and relax. When I set my mind to do something, I do it...and I did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still spicy. I am not saying to you that You are right and I was wrong. No way. I am saying that I am so thirsty for a good word, I can hardly swallow. Actually, I continue to hold the I don't Care Philosophy, because I don't! I don't care what they think, whoever "they" may be. I don't care if they disapprove of who I am today or tomorrow, or yesterday. We are all guilty of the same things. We all have to deal. The only thing that differs is my will to be conscious of the heart. I want to lose control and be free- not only to live apart from the condemnation of others, but also to be able to live, free of the voices in my mind.
The message was obviously for me: Move on, Trust Your God, Let Go. I have been wading, slowly, into my Red Sea. Pharaoh is moving in, and I haven't cared to stop him. The water is getting deeper. Finally, I say, OK Lord, You take it from here. I raise my rod and the sea parts. Now, I step on the floor of the sea and walk safely to my land of promise. For today, I am resigning from the battlefield. I have One who fights for me; Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world.
No, I never changed. I'm still the same ole' me. I have just been experiencing a few growing pains. I assure you they are far from over, but I am beginning to understand how to recognize and deal. So there you go. The True E Hollywood Story of MEB.
The funny thing is, I am most likely the only person bothered by me. I bet not five people even knew I was in a funk..And if more than five knew, then it was probably heard through the grape vine. All these words...Will any of them stand the fire?
It is 3:00 pm and for some religious sectors around the world, this means time to take a jaunt down to the confessional. So, here I go...You can come too, if you'd like. This is a letter of recognition, if you will, to whom it may concern- and trust me when I say, it concerns many.
I have never been one to hide the way I feel. I have never been able to pretend to be this when I am in fact...that. Maybe it is for this (no pun intended) reason that I find it extremely agitating to watch people fight bitterly to the point of death, only to open the front door two seconds later and greet their guest with overwhelming peace and concord while smiling innocently as if Cold War Take Two never happened. When I am sad, I cry. When I am angry, I scowl. When I'm harboring (Insert negative feelings here), I sit silently, unapproachable. When I am happy, I smile. When I am joyful, I laugh. When I am tired, I leave the party and go to sleep. You get the picture. What you see is what you get-for better or for worse.
For those of you who keep up with my life through this silly weblog, you know the majority of my thoughts, questions, and struggles. (Or maybe all of the chaff doesn't get written as I process through the keyboard, but you have a general idea).
For those of you who know me and see me everyday, you know that I have been silent for a long time. I think it is time for me to give you what is yours; I owe an explanation for my actions...Or lack thereof.
What an incredible journey it has been- 21 years of learning how to be a daughter, a friend, a follower, a leader. Out of those 21, the last one has been quite an introspective whirlwind. How many hours are in a month? I don't know, you do the math. Whatever that comes to, multiply it by 10 and that will give you the total amount of hours I have been reexamining life for what it's worth. (Not life as in life and death, but life as in the process of living a story) I have questioned myself more than I have ever done before. I have picked apart the layers of my past, present, and thoughts on the future. I have separated myself from everything familiar. I have isolated myself from things and people for a reason, but then allowed that isolation to solidify, before I realized. I can count, on my hand, the number of times I have woken up and gone to a church service in the past 10 months. And I have taken on an I don't care attitude against the world and all who dwell in it that do care.
You see, for so long I lived in the shadows of mainstream America while thinking I was vetoing it. I was obsessive with my faith, had perfected humble arrogance (chew on that!), was terrified of being associated with sin (the sinful kind of course), and turned my head to anyone who was lower than me on the righteous scale. In that time, I was oblivious to my mind set. In my eyes and in my heart, actually, I was doing all right. If my mind had been printed onto a vintage tee, it would have read, humble, content, whole, full, and happy. Then I left my box.
Europe is pretty well documented, but the bottom line was this: I was given a new vantage point while out of my norm. I began to see things differently, I learned to listen carefully, and focus my attention in a new way and appreciate people who were not just like me. To some folks, this might seem like my downfall; "Who are you and what did you do with the girl we once knew?" Others, and maybe only those who have experienced a change in scenery, understand that this was an awakening for me, a time to escape myself.
When I returned, I saw my all so comfortable world with a new viewpoint. For three months, I was an outsider and at my homecoming, an outsider making my way back in. All the sudden, I wasn't so comfortable. I was shocked to see, through others, the way I conducted my own life for the 20 years before my trip. It was painful to hear the way they spoke of each other and it made me angry to see the putrid arrogance that these, my equals, were guilty of and blind to. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made the decision to cut myself off from the source of my community. I was tired of watching groups stonewall each other and refused to be a part of selfish antics. So I sat in my solitude and wrote..and wrote...and wrote.
Once the dose of culture shock wore off, I was able to let people back into my life; but I chose not too.
The moto was simple, "I don't care." I decided to move on and keep living, knowing that people would think what they wanted. And people did think..There have been many discussions, looks of worry, "Are you OK's," and "How can I pray for you's." All the while, I would honestly say, I am fine. I really am. I am OK. Thank you for caring, though, I appreciate you.
My responses were and still are 100% from the heart and truthful. I was fine, OK, and happy, and I was thankful for the concern of others. I just needed space, time to think and face my past. (good thing there was no boy at this point, huh?! that could have been bad news for the poor-nonexistent-fella) I had to deal with myself, and it sounds harsh, but, without the assistance of any other person...Even if it meant locking myself in my room for ten months.
It didn't take long for me to forget that I was only on sabbatical for renewal. My "time to think" vacation grew comfortable and became a haven for my bitterness and frustrations to fester. Who Cares turned into Oh Yeah? Watch me! and I matter of factually welcomed the very pride and love of self, that I initially wanted to get away from, into my persona. I was tired of being responsible for everyone else's happiness (I bet you all didn't know that you depended on me to meet your every need, did you?) and was ready to kick it all to the curb and relax. When I set my mind to do something, I do it...and I did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still spicy. I am not saying to you that You are right and I was wrong. No way. I am saying that I am so thirsty for a good word, I can hardly swallow. Actually, I continue to hold the I don't Care Philosophy, because I don't! I don't care what they think, whoever "they" may be. I don't care if they disapprove of who I am today or tomorrow, or yesterday. We are all guilty of the same things. We all have to deal. The only thing that differs is my will to be conscious of the heart. I want to lose control and be free- not only to live apart from the condemnation of others, but also to be able to live, free of the voices in my mind.
The message was obviously for me: Move on, Trust Your God, Let Go. I have been wading, slowly, into my Red Sea. Pharaoh is moving in, and I haven't cared to stop him. The water is getting deeper. Finally, I say, OK Lord, You take it from here. I raise my rod and the sea parts. Now, I step on the floor of the sea and walk safely to my land of promise. For today, I am resigning from the battlefield. I have One who fights for me; Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world.
No, I never changed. I'm still the same ole' me. I have just been experiencing a few growing pains. I assure you they are far from over, but I am beginning to understand how to recognize and deal. So there you go. The True E Hollywood Story of MEB.
The funny thing is, I am most likely the only person bothered by me. I bet not five people even knew I was in a funk..And if more than five knew, then it was probably heard through the grape vine. All these words...Will any of them stand the fire?
posted by bargame at 1:02 PM
2 Comments:
gah, i'm not sure what to think, but i am so glad that at the end of the True E Hollywood story there is victory. You are respected for who you are and the impact you have on others. Though I haven't been around you in quite awhile, I will never question your heart or the One who fights your battles. His grace has lead you through this journey so that you may grasp the truth more tightly and freely give of it all at the same time. I wish we were in the same community rejoicing over your heart. Until then, I am blessed.
what an episode.. I just wanted to thank you for sharing it all. I have to say that I am excited for you and what the Lord is brewing up inside of you.. and allowing you to express them to us. He is faithful to walk us thru so much.. the words of Isaiah 41:10 declare that for us. May He continue to work in and through His story for MEB.
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